Top 150+ Funny Quotes and Sayings about Work

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Following are the Funny Quotes and Sayings about Life

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

I love my job only when I'm on vacation.

If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.

I know the voices in my head aren't real..... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.

My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.


Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!

But when you fart just one time...

Funny Quotes and Sayings about Life

A toy that can't be broken can be used to break other toys.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

The decision to decide is a decision in itself.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.

In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important how much you can save when you buy it.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong.

You never run out of things that can go wrong.


A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.

Playing the stock market is very similar to playing the lottery, except you actually win sometimes at the lottery.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

We have to do the impossible, but it is possible.

Funny Quotes and Sayings about Love

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.

You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.

If Monday had a face... I would punch it.

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.


Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

Do you want to feel the breath of the person next to you? Do you want to feel them touching you and rubbing against you? Take public transit.

You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.

The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine.

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.

Buy our alarm clock and you will sleep soundly.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.

Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it.

Revenge sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!

A joke is a very serious thing.

Popular Funny Quotes and Sayings

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.

I am too lazy to be lazy.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door.

When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.

Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.

If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.

Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.


Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too? Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.

Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.

I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.

The road to success is always under construction.

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.

I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.

I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!

The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.

I'd take a nerf bullet for you.

Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.

Meaningful Funny Quotes and Sayings

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.

An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width.

Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.

Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.

Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.

When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.


Smile while you still have teeth.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.

Funny Inspirational Quotes Sayings

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

He who laughs.....lasts.

If you have an issue, get a tissue.

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.

Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!

A good mood like is like a balloon, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.

Never judge a book by it's movie


I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.

Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.

You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.

Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.

After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF !

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.

Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.

Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!

Never ask a starfish for directions.

Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim!

Relax, it's the weekend... just don't blink or it will be all over.

If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

When nothing is going right, go left.

I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old.

Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.

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